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Loose Ends

More ‘Everyday Objects’ From Tiffany

A sterling silver “paper plate” engraved with the outline of a grilled-cheese sandwich on display at Tiffany.Credit...Joshua Bright for The New York Times

This month, Tiffany unveiled its Everyday Collection, featuring everyday objects affordable if you’re a member of the Saudi royal family still in good standing. In Tiffany’s manicured hands, the yo-yo is reimagined as a $300 sterling silver and walnut toy. That old tin coffee can you use to hold your pens? Toss it. Now you can get it in sterling silver and vermeil for $1,000. A ball of yarn made of “textured sterling silver” can’t be made into a knitted sweater, but it can cost you $9,000.

Below, proposed descriptions of some additional products the company might add to this collection — because every object in your life deserves the Tiffany treatment:

We’re sure you’ll agree that dental retainers are in desperate need of some creative destruction. America’s trust-fund babies with underbites deserve something better. That’s why we’re offering retainers in pure gold. Your teenagers can rock these luxury grills and straighten their pearly whites at the same time for $18,000. Interested in a set with wisdom teeth? Please call store for pricing.

Every modern woman knows that tampons are full of toxins and should be avoided along with gluten, red meat, dairy, nightshade vegetables, fruit, sugar, caffeine and all solid foods. We are so proud to unveil our 100 percent organic, naturally sourced tampons. Made from the finest alpaca and rabbit hair, a generous set of a half-dozen — sure to take you through a single day of your period — comes nested in a cherry-teak box. Competitively priced at $1,400.

Send young Olivia and Maxmillian to Montessori in style with our Tiffany Tupperware. Each piece is handblown by Dale Chihuly. Your young prodigies are sure to make especially creative choices in their self-directed learning if they eat their almond butter and jelly sandwiches out of one of these bespoke boxes. $12,000. An investment in their future.

Make Mother’s Day special this year by buying the help of the woman you love a broom inspired by Rumpelstiltskin. The handle comes in our trademark eggshell blue; the bristles are made of the thinnest gold imported from South Africa. Your Dyson will do the real work, of course, but the other wives will go crazy when they see this $70,000 showpiece casually propped up against your marble Chesney’s fireplace.

Wrap your husband in your love this Christmas with our signature holiday sweater. His closet of cashmere pullovers will pale in comparison. Made from 100 percent platinum, this 200-pound chain-link cardigan can’t be worn to a night out at Nobu, but he can slip it on long enough to feel like a knight — and for you to snap that perfect shot for your holiday card. $90,500.

Finding the perfect birthday present for a tween is a near impossible task. Look no further. Tiffany’s scooter, retrofitted with rose-gold tires, is made for Instagram and Snapchat. They come in packs of four and need to be replaced every morning. Technicians at our flagship store in Manhattan will be available each school day at 6 a.m. Interested in having us come to you before breakfast? Have your nanny call us. We’re happy to accommodate homes on the Upper East Side.

For decades, Elsa Peretti’s signature heart pendant has been coveted by bat mitzvah girls on both coasts. Now we’re making a heart that’s truly unforgettable. Tiffany’s Everyday Heart is a replica of the one beating inside you, but made of more precious stuff: sapphires, diamonds and rubies. The arteries? Platinum alloy. Only doctors who don’t take insurance will be in charge of hooking up this sure-to-be heirloom into your chest by removing your functioning one and replacing it with this stunner. If the infection doesn’t kill you, the stares of envy might.

Bari Weiss (@bariweiss) is a staff editor and writer in The Times Opinion section.

Follow The New York Times Opinion section on Facebook and Twitter (@NYTopinion), and sign up for the Opinion Today newsletter.

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